my bubble just burst open

I enjoy suburbia. I like my sweet, comfortable home with my loving family. I treasure it and thank God for it as often as I can. I guess I've always thought that if it wasn't something I took for granted then I'd be able to keep it forever...it would never have to be taken from me to show me what it meant to me in the first place. What kind of view do I really have of God if that's the way I think He works? All that to say, I have always felt so blessed and majority of my life just felt content. I feel so content...I love my life and am happy where I am at right now and probably felt the same way every year I've been alive...happy with where I am. God in His mercy has given me just a tiny spec of a glimpse into the real world and I have been humbled to say the least.

Recently I followed a "lead" from God if you will and it surprised me, broke my heart, and made me tremble to think of the years I have lavished in my contentment. I would love to give you all the specific details of the journey but it almost feels to fragile to throw it out there in the blogmosphere. I feel that by writing down the details of why my eyes are now open to life outside of the beloved bubble would somehow degrade the experience...maybe dampen the lesson that was learned. Sometimes experiences are so weighty that they were probably meant just for you to experience them, digest them, and move on...nothing more. I pridefully started last week off feeling like a superhero...I was on a mission for God...He chose me and it was going to be groundbreaking...it was nothing of the sort. All I can keep describing it at "eyes being opened". I no longer feel content with being content. I no longer want my life to be safe. If I am to wear the cross and follow the footprints of Christ then I should live as He did, outside of the safe box. Some people receive this calling and pack their things and run to Africa or China...graciously He has made my mission field but 2 1/2 hours away from home so I am grateful for that. I am still begging God to let me shine my light somewhere else...with another group of people...in another building...just if He could change my calling to something I am more comfortable with, but I know this is an argument I am going to lose and this path has already been chosen for me.

Maybe one day I can write in detail (when I actually have time to sit in front of this silly computer) about everything that is stirring in my heart and give you more specifics on how I know the Lord is preparing me for something but today is just not the day. I guess I just want to say, if you feel an urgency to move in a direction that the Lord is calling you...begin that journey as soon as you're called, but pray on it first...ask God for wisdom and strength...be prepared that it is most likely not going to look like anything you thought it might look like and go into the field with a humbled heart and mind. I started my journey off running with wailing arms screaming "I got this, I got this" with a huge smile, but the ball slammed right into my face because I wasn't meant to catch it the first pass...I was meant to drop it big time...and clumsily fall to the ground feeling like a fool...it was the only way I could have learned to make the catch the next time the ball was thrown to me because it taught me that my eyes weren't even on the ball.